Healing the split: letting go of victim consciousness



This post is in quick-flow-draft form but I wanted to share a bit about a most amazing experience I had over the weekend of my recent Shimsung training, an intensive Dahn Yoga training experience, that was quite profound.

What I really saw clearly in an amazing vision, and it included the souls of both of my parents but was most notably with my mother's, and this is an interesting experience truly, but what I saw with my mother's soul was that we too are One. Now that may not sound very big or interesting or important upon first glance. But think of this, we are so interrelated to our mothers and families that rarely is it with them that get a full fledged look-see at their or our mother's cosmic reality. Particularly if we have experienced great dysfunction within that relationship. And this also has threads to every hateful, spiteful, broken hearted, long suffering problem on the planet. That no matter who did what to whom, no matter what, we are.. (take a breath) ... all ... (take another) ... ONE. (pause)

Do you see what I'm getting at?

In any case, re the deep and often at-first entangled and complex mother-daughter bond, whether in bliss or bother, in trauma or in faith, the mother/daughter relationship is a quite fierce and most complex one, is it not my women friends?

In any case, and not simply at all, but profoundly, I saw my own mother's God-Self.  As I had never seen it before. I mean, I saw it. It was profound. It was huge, huge Light. I saw her core, her self, her soul... without all her stuff, without all of the dysfunctoinal stuff she has carried and that I too have carried, I saw her real Self. God's Light. (Make the Goddess Light). Huge. Stunning. woa. And I also saw how all of what had been unresolved inside of her had been passed forward also somewhere to me, to become my own.

I was then, and by then I mean over the next several days, bombarded by the witnessing and cleansing of many many old and very underlying core beliefs. The classics. In me. The Toltecs call them agreements, but they are just beliefs we have that stem from our earliest life experiences. And we all have them. And they have gotten terribly jumbled in the mix over time. I tell you, I have never, and mean, never, so clearly witnessed what was truly living and wreaking havoc, despair, grief, fear and pain inside of me. The beliefs were crystalline clear and flying out of corners and closets I had never fully grapsed before. Those core beliefs that say "I can't...." "Not good enough"... "weird"... "different"... "not acceptable.." etc, etc. It was so crystalline clear, and I met them with the gentleness of a friend. It was beautiful somehow, and wonderful too, to have these subconscious notions appearing and clearing so clearly, in rapid succession, in order to finally go back to whence they came. To nothingness. It is still a re-wiring process, to be sure. But I feel that alas, those new replacement beliefs, the real and ultimate truths, do finally have room to truly take root. "I can..." "Good enough..." "GodSelf"... "allowed." 

I'm still working on integrating the vision that I had and healing the split in me re all I have been through with my parents, mostly my mother in this and other lifetimes. and she may not have chosen to heal or get there in this or any other recent lifetime, but I'm becoming ok with that too, and more fully able to accept her just the way she is, without having to change anything at all. It is a real boost to building my autonomy. And I feel that I have truly broken free from the past now as well.

So though we still have our own and evolving, healing, back and forth mother/daughter relationship, I have seen and can return to the truth that I have also now witnessed in a very literal and big big way as well, that she is the Light of Light's too. This she too may have forgotten, but she is ever searching like everyone else, somewhere in her, she is ever searching too. To know her true self, to be liberated from her suffering.

But I am stunned by what I did clearly see and witness those few weeks ago. And I think the important part for me right now is to give myself time, to be with, and meditate with, and grow that space, the space that knows the master consciousness. Which surely includes that these are in terms of the matrix not 'real' families at all (but that's another topic) and in terms of the mother/daughter relationship this, to me, to have this vision for my human inner self is quite deep and richly profound. I am experiencing the dissolution of the victim consciousness.

Practicing forgiveness (and forgiveness to me simply means 'letting it go')

is like setting a prisoner free, and realizing that the prisoner was indeed ... myself.

this is one step from my healing-journey that has led to my awakening and liberation. namaste