Healing the split: letting go of victim consciousness



This post is in quick-flow-draft form but I wanted to share a bit about a most amazing experience I had over the weekend of my recent Shimsung training, an intensive Dahn Yoga training experience, that was quite profound.

What I really saw clearly in an amazing vision, and it included the souls of both of my parents but was most notably with my mother's, and this is an interesting experience truly, but what I saw with my mother's soul was that we too are One. Now that may not sound very big or interesting or important upon first glance. But think of this, we are so interrelated to our mothers and families that rarely is it with them that get a full fledged look-see at their or our mother's cosmic reality. Particularly if we have experienced great dysfunction within that relationship. And this also has threads to every hateful, spiteful, broken hearted, long suffering problem on the planet. That no matter who did what to whom, no matter what, we are.. (take a breath) ... all ... (take another) ... ONE. (pause)

Do you see what I'm getting at?

In any case, re the deep and often at-first entangled and complex mother-daughter bond, whether in bliss or bother, in trauma or in faith, the mother/daughter relationship is a quite fierce and most complex one, is it not my women friends?

In any case, and not simply at all, but profoundly, I saw my own mother's God-Self.  As I had never seen it before. I mean, I saw it. It was profound. It was huge, huge Light. I saw her core, her self, her soul... without all her stuff, without all of the dysfunctoinal stuff she has carried and that I too have carried, I saw her real Self. God's Light. (Make the Goddess Light). Huge. Stunning. woa. And I also saw how all of what had been unresolved inside of her had been passed forward also somewhere to me, to become my own.

I was then, and by then I mean over the next several days, bombarded by the witnessing and cleansing of many many old and very underlying core beliefs. The classics. In me. The Toltecs call them agreements, but they are just beliefs we have that stem from our earliest life experiences. And we all have them. And they have gotten terribly jumbled in the mix over time. I tell you, I have never, and mean, never, so clearly witnessed what was truly living and wreaking havoc, despair, grief, fear and pain inside of me. The beliefs were crystalline clear and flying out of corners and closets I had never fully grapsed before. Those core beliefs that say "I can't...." "Not good enough"... "weird"... "different"... "not acceptable.." etc, etc. It was so crystalline clear, and I met them with the gentleness of a friend. It was beautiful somehow, and wonderful too, to have these subconscious notions appearing and clearing so clearly, in rapid succession, in order to finally go back to whence they came. To nothingness. It is still a re-wiring process, to be sure. But I feel that alas, those new replacement beliefs, the real and ultimate truths, do finally have room to truly take root. "I can..." "Good enough..." "GodSelf"... "allowed." 

I'm still working on integrating the vision that I had and healing the split in me re all I have been through with my parents, mostly my mother in this and other lifetimes. and she may not have chosen to heal or get there in this or any other recent lifetime, but I'm becoming ok with that too, and more fully able to accept her just the way she is, without having to change anything at all. It is a real boost to building my autonomy. And I feel that I have truly broken free from the past now as well.

So though we still have our own and evolving, healing, back and forth mother/daughter relationship, I have seen and can return to the truth that I have also now witnessed in a very literal and big big way as well, that she is the Light of Light's too. This she too may have forgotten, but she is ever searching like everyone else, somewhere in her, she is ever searching too. To know her true self, to be liberated from her suffering.

But I am stunned by what I did clearly see and witness those few weeks ago. And I think the important part for me right now is to give myself time, to be with, and meditate with, and grow that space, the space that knows the master consciousness. Which surely includes that these are in terms of the matrix not 'real' families at all (but that's another topic) and in terms of the mother/daughter relationship this, to me, to have this vision for my human inner self is quite deep and richly profound. I am experiencing the dissolution of the victim consciousness.

Practicing forgiveness (and forgiveness to me simply means 'letting it go')

is like setting a prisoner free, and realizing that the prisoner was indeed ... myself.

this is one step from my healing-journey that has led to my awakening and liberation. namaste

Let's have lunch - how to take our power back from a dysfunctional political system

To the degree that we are cleansed from the dominating lower energies of our subconscious, will be the degree of the impact we will have on the world as a whole. Each one of us just by living & being are changing the world every day, we just have to choose what exact change we are looking for, if any. - Ron Hansen

Here is a great idea for maturizing the upcoming election process. For those who dare to do ...

How do we take our power back from a dysfunctional political system?

Several weeks ago I was sitting at lunch with a friend who stands somewhere on the opposite side of the political fence from me. We were sharing a nice afternoon with his family, my family and some of his kids, and he brought up one of the proverbial "off limits" topics.. something politically charged. He began to talk about an issue that is very politically charged at this time, and clearly he had personal feelings and sentiments mixed passionately in with it as well. I listened attentively and openly, with openminded detachment. But then I too felt so passionately about my own viewpoints and perspectives that I found myself chiming in, something that I rarely choose to do when politics are concerned. But this was different. And this Time in history (herstory?) is different. It is a time of great change and global calllings. And it is so important that we "the people" get it together and begin the peacemaking and discussion and reordering/compromising/harmonizing ourselves. I know we can do it. I know we are all ultimately of the same human heart. So...

I shared my views while holding the space for us both to be equally heard and respected. Yes, the discussion got a bit heated, although it stayed friendly. And when we wrapped it up, and brought it mostly to a close, he said "Alexa, there is no one else I would rather have this discussion with than you." After which his nearly 80-year old mother gave me a fast high five. Like, wow! I can't believe you did that. It made me smile. We had peacefully, though passionately, shared our seemingly-opposing views on a heated issues, and we even followed the discussion with him sharing some interesting and potential-filled ideas on how we could make compromise and possibly solve some of these issues with some ingenuity and out-of-the-box thinking and ideas. We had ideas on the table to make effective and humane change. Were we only leaders in Washington at this time! We're not, of course, but it goes to show that we ALL have friends on all sides of the political spectrum and we each have something to contribute to the solutions. We can not only get along, but actually come up with ideas that both of us can feel settled with, but more importantly, that work.

I am passionate about seeing new order and maturity coming into our lives and world. Of finding peaceful and swift solutions to today's potential dangers and problems. And today, wth the impending election process quickly creeping up on us, and with so many critical national and global issues now in our hands, from environmental to economic stability and sustainablity, I am taking a real look into how we can take our power back as voters. For no matter which 'side' of the fence we stand, left, right, middle or something else, the obvious majority of us can clearly see that the emotional immaturity and dysfunction being acted out already in these early days of pre-election is not only an embarassment in the global community, but foolish as well.

"We the people" are clearly all collectively tired of the outrageously dysfunctional behaviors we see displayed so unabashedly during these political times. Emotional outbursts based on nothing but perhaps old unprocessed wounding, elementary school-like finger pointing, name calling, void of intellegent or mature discourse, adults acting out like children caught in unfounded temper tantrums and ridiculous rants while on televsion and abroad. Where is the honor? Where is the self-respect? There is none. It is such dishonorable behavior. As voters we simply should not give them the time of day. Thus putting out our call for mature human beings who want to become part of a new government body. This is, after all, a time of genuine crisis and wake-up calls.

What so many of us are seeing and feeling and wanting now more than ever, and finally, in these problematic but also potential-filled times, is the fulfillment and co-creation of a new and more mature, functional, government system. That requires mature and functional people to take on these positions.

We know we have the technology, to clean up our earth, the brains, to solve the challenges, the consciousness, to do the right and humanistic things, to make the world a better place. For a more peaceful, clean, and yes, more sane and safe (and dare I say happy?) tomorrow.

So how do we the people create this more effective, and frankly, grown-up, political body? The answer is, of course, the same as it always is: recovery. We have to first take responsibiltiy for our own unconscious patterning. To be the peace, the sanity, the groundedness we want to see in the world. By taking resonsiblity for our own stuff, our own consciousness and conscientiouness during this electoral time, and year-round frankly.

Want a new paradigm? I know I do. Here is a great power-enhancing idea from Elizabeth Lesser that can point all of us into a much needed new direction. And it is not a foreign idea to me. For I too already know, that we ARE all one people. And no matter what our so-called political leanings, we all have friends and neighbors with differing views on certain things that we already live in harmony with who are in our lives everyday.

So let's have lunch! Here is the article:

Why You Should Take Your Demons to Lunch
By Elizabeth Lesser

Looking past divisive politics and differing views to the person on the other side of the issue may be challenging, but it's not impossible. Elizabeth Lesser, cofounder of the Omega Institute and author of Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow, suggests starting with lunch.

"Otherising" is the dangerous act of turning someone into the enemy just because he or she looks different, prays different, speaks different, or thinks different. Some of history's most tragic events—wars, genocides, terrorist acts—began with ordinary people demonizing other ordinary people.

I noticed a remarkable amount of otherising during the 2008 presidential race. And there was one woman doing it who bothered me the most—me! I'm a true believer in our capacity to care and cooperate, but there I was, participating in otherising rants, calling whole groups of people evil wrongdoers, though I had never talked to them.

Which is how I came to find myself having lunch with an activist from the other side, talking about our kids, jobs, and hopes for society. It was the first of many such meetings I've had in the years since in an attempt to breed civility in my heart. I call my experiment Take the Other to Lunch.

First, think of a person you may be otherising—maybe a woman from a different side of the abortion debate or your brother who doesn't believe in global warming. Next, tell that person you'd like to understand him or her better. Ask if they would like to do the same with you. Agree to these ground rules: Be curious, conversational, and real. Don't persuade or interrupt. Listen, listen, listen. (You can start by asking: What were some of your most defining experiences? What issues deeply concern you? What have you always wanted to ask someone from the "other side"?)

Will the heavens open and "We Are the World" start playing over the restaurant's sound system? Doubtful. But in the lunches I have shared, I have grown in compassion and patience. And as another election nears, perhaps if enough of us take each other to lunch, we can give our country the civility makeover it needs.

From Codependency to Freedom

Looking back over the past 7 years of my personal recovery journey and it is startling to witness how differently I feel today. I am truly feeling liberated. Seven years ago this year I was fortunate to find myself attending some rather rare and precious classes with some rather rare and precious master teachers. They were teachers leading a 7 week class in codependency recovery. And this learning truly changed my life. It was definitely the missing piece in my own long-active spiritual path. And I am so grateful for that class (and those teachers/arch-angels extraordinairre) today. That learning healed me. And set me free to move beyond. Here is a post I shared a few years ago. It still holds true today. For those embarking on the deeper path to emotional healing and recovery, wishing you peace, joy and serenity. And most of all... flight! It happens. :)

From Codependency to Freedom -
Are you recovering from codependency? Do you have traits of the codependent emotional system?
Recovery from co-dependency happens with Awareness, inner healing and learning to identify and own your feelings. Learning what your true emotions are and how to express them is equally important.

Codependency is a trauma coping behavior system and happens when we are raised in environments that did not feel safe or emotionally nurturing. Sometimes you have to dig deep to find threads of codependency in your own life.

Here are some of the characteristics of having grown up in dysfunctional homes:
from coda.org

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. Persons may experience some, most or all of these traits. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good
enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings or behavior over
my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or
others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same (high level empath).
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long (may apply to contact with family of origin).
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid
to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others
want.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of
themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how
they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others
www.coda.org


I am passionate about my own recovery from codependency. The earned rewards (gifts) from codependency recovery are many, and include acceptance (inner peace), bridging your duality, self-love, empowerment, compassion (for self) and becoming Whole again.

I never thought of myself as codependent. In fact, I was and am a fiercely independent and adventurous spirit. But when I "stumbled upon" codependency recovery along my own healing journey, the truth and wisdom I felt in those classes brought me to a new level of understanding and healing myself. I realized that although I could stand on my own, I sometimes struggled emotionally. I had a terrible anxiety, especially in new groups of people, and in fact had great difficulty identifying my own feelings and internal boundaries within my family and beyond. A sensitive, it was easy for me to get lost in the energy and emotions of another. I was highly empathic, yes, but I found out this was also b/c there were not strong boundaries in my own dysfunctional family. And although I had strong shamanic and invisible spiritual awareness, I still had struggles in my family of origin. I found out this is because of my human path. What a relief! I found people who "got it", and me! And people who were working consciously on their own return to Wholeness. I finally felt a peace I cannot explain. Because it all, and by "it" I mean "I"... started to make sense.

Today: Knowing myself feels good. I am empowered. So does having well-established boundaries. I am free to be whole in myself and to experience more awareness, freedom and joy than ever before. I love meeting new people. And I love to share the gift with others.

I'll sign-off today with this proverb:
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was going to end, it became a butterfly.
Fly freely. It's time.